resit the urge resist the urge resist the urge...

...oh. er. hello. Im at work right now, getting paid $14.00 an hour to blog. not too shabby, i'd say :) . well, im trying so hard to resist the urge to take another pregnancy test. wait three days, just like the instructions say! but oooh no. good ol' pregnaphobe me is thinking about that pee-stick like an alchoholic thinks about margaritas. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. its like im obsessed with knowing, despite overwhelming evidence of my previous test being (-) negative. I mean, i held that baby up to the light and saw no pigmentation whatsoever that could make me consider its a (+) not a (-) . sigh...

fuck this.

Honestly, I would be ok if I am prego. A litte sonner then i'd like, but its doable. plenty of people have kids at my age. hell, they usually have more then one! and it kind of warms my heart to think of a little soul growing in my belly. But the "limbo" period of not knowing your prego or not seems to just absolutly drive me insane. I want to know now! not "maybe. wait a few more days." ugh.

change is a scary thing. i think, even if its something happy like marriage, kids, moving, or getting a new job...its still kinda scary. Humans are creatures of habit. Even when staring in the face of a life that desperetly needs change, or a bright future, we hesitate. not because we dont want it, but because of the fear of the unknown . Im the type of person who relinquishes control of my life to fate. most everything, i beleive, happens for a reason. things happen at the exact moment they do to serve your life the best lessons you need to know. But for me i guess, pregnancy and having a baby is so... intimate . I have to endure my body changing drastically, and my life never ever being the same again. Not to mention how it changes my relationships with everyone in my life!

i am so irregular though, taking pregnancy tests is not unusual for me at all. I've been doing it almost every month for over a year because my cycle has been all over the place. sometimes im regular, sometimes ive been 1 week to 2 weeks late and everywhere inbetween. So this madness isnt new to me. its probably why im comfortable with being prego (if i am). thats just a reality ive had to face. albeit a reality that is hugely exaggerated by my tendency to over-worry and over-think everything...but a reality all the same.

oh, i dunno. i dunno what to think. i flip between thinking "your crazy. its 99% accurate when you took it." to..."but what if you didnt calculate right? what if you messed everything up? took it too soon?"...well, im gonna try really hard to wait until thursday or friday to take another one...

no promises though. :]

0 Comments